Happiness is sometimes overated...

So where do I begin? The small house is getting to me in a big way mostly because there is no storage and there is NO PERSONAL SPACE. Plus, we had our first huge blow-up between something that happened at work, but the part that bothers me is that he was believing the work people over me when we haven't had any history of mistrust. Then to top it off he told his dad, "because he needed someone to talk too" so that is just great. It would have been so much better if he had come to me first to talk about it. So his dad told him to work it out, so great when we have another fight and his dad isn't around to tell him to "work it out" that he will be done. That is fine....part of me wants to end it all right now. But I love him so much that it hurts. I am the one that feels like I have given up on so much. He doesn't want marriage but yet I do. He isn't bothered by the crappy carpet, but yet I am. He isn't bothered by all the stuff, from wall to wall. It drives me crazy. Part of me wants so badly to go back to my house and live there, but I don't believe I would be happy there either. I resent him for talking to his parents about our problems. It would be one thing if we never interacted with them or only saw them once or twice a year, but we see them all the time. I feel ashamed, for whatever reason. I just do. Maybe it's because he didn't come to me first all I got from him was a threat, which is what I get a lot. (If I was to take his picture "he would be done with me"). It is so maddening I could scream, and I know that I am not myself right now. But my heart is hurting. Maybe it was because of the way I was treated. I know he was mad and frustrated but for heaven's sake, he didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt by coming to me first. Why do relationships have to be so difficult?

You never know the future...

I can tell you my whole body hurts and I feel horrible, but I do not know what I should feel bad. So G told me I have nearly cost him his job yesterday by saying something to IB that she has taken back to SE. I do not know what I have said to her, but whatever it was it has threathen his posistion. IB and several other co-workers always come to my office and talk about their bosses or others in the department. I am not sure what I have said, or what I have not said. But I suppose it most of been horrible. However, I am not losing my relationship over this. I am in love with G more than I have been with anyone else. But yet, I continue to struggle with my job and repeatedly get stoned. This is the 3rd time in which stones have been thrown at me or in my direction. This job does not mean that much too me. My heart is breaking and my soul hurts. Mostly because of the uncertainity that lies ahead of me.

It's always what you want to hear other than the truth.

So the greatest thing happened as far as work is concerned, my boss left my section and is now working for another bureau.

So the rumor was I was going to get his old office and the parking space. But now the truth is out they said yes, just to keep me satisfied. That sucks. Why is always what they want you to hear and not the truth. Seriously, can't they just we honest on the front end. But there are "going to be changes" stay tuned. As long as I am happy that I have a job, I guess it will be okay.

Maybe we don't share the same sanity....

George sends me a link to Keeshonden puppies. Oh my...I silently thought to myself. He can't be serious about another dog, but maybe he is. So I click on the link and it comes up with "page can not be displayed". So I tell him that the link is not working for me and I ask "it doesn't matter anyway does it?" We aren't getting another dog and you know what he said "so you don't care about my sanity?" What the hell, what about my sanity and the need for adventure, I am not saying we can't ever have another dog, but there are other things to consider, for one his elderly parents, that really might need long time care. What if we had to have them live with us or vice versa? Do you want to constantly use the "dog" as a crutch, I don't. How many times have we said it would so great to be able to spend the night offshore, but we can't we "have dogs". I love him but sometimes his way of thinking is not rational at all. Besides, we have two dogs now, and the girl is doing great and the boy is still doing okay. So for now let's not think about another dog for a little while longer, please!!!

Buster Buster and the Vet Stem "Fun"

So our eldest dog Buster is 12 years old and will be 13 in October. He has Osteoarthritis in his back hips and so after some research I saw some advertising on the vet-stem procedure. So I did some further research and we took the information to our veterinarian and he looked over the material contacted the company and became certified in the treatment.



So last October we had Buster put under for the treatment. The treatment harvests the fat cells of your animal and processes them in their lab out in California and sends them back and the Dr. who then injects the samples into his hips and into his blood stream.



Initially they harvested enough fat cells for four vials of goodie and one retention sample. On the injection day they shot each hip with one vial, then they also injected his blood stream with another vial. This was all in the process of three days.



There is a lot we learned in this process first of all don't do it for vanity. George chose his stomach instead of his shoulders to retrieve fat from because he didn't want him be shaved on his shoulders, well he can't lick his shoulders but he can lick his stomach, so after much stress we finally got to the point where we bought diapers so the healing wouldn't be so draining on all of us.



We woke up two weeks ago this coming Wednesday and Buster had a steady limp and could hardly walk. So of course we took him to the vet and the Dr. said it just might be time to inject that last vial. We thought about it for a day and went ahead and proceeded with the last vial.



It's nearly been a week and he is doing remarkably better now the Dr. advised that we would not see a significant change for about 30 days. However I have to say there has been a significant difference and I think there will continue to be...maybe that's because I like to look at life with the glass half full instead of empty, or it's because I hope there is more good to come.



Buster is just the best dog, he has the greatest personality and truly a loving spirit. But all the same he still his is own dog. It will be a very sad day when there is no more Buster in our daily life but he will truly live on in our hearts forever.

Patience does really pay off.

So patience really does pay off...first off I have some very exciting news George finally bought me a ring nearly six years later but he did it. It is gorgeous! It's not the traditional engagement ring, with a center stone nor is it just a diamond. It is more like an anniversary ring or a celebration ring that Tiffany's would sell. It's just perfect for what the ring symbolizes love and commitment but with no marriage promise in the future. Of course, deep down I truly want a marriage commitment, but I still believe I have that without the paperwork. I'm in love with this man and I know he's in love with me. We fit together perfectly most of the time. 

Secondly, I am not sure if I have ever written here that I absolutely love my job and what I do every day. Some days I could not stand my boss. Well, patience has finally paid off there too. He is being moved into another position and is no longer my boss. Where we were once divided into two different areas we are now one. I believe in the long run we will be more productive at least I hope so. It is difficult to constantly be divided and always be in search of the same goal...much like relationships. Don't get me wrong, there have been a few times where I have completely loved working for this person, but there were too many times to count that I just couldn't stand it. There were tears on some days and anger on several more in fact this is why I have a prescription for Xanax. Because deep down I knew I couldn't beat him so in turn, I would beat my desk. Beating state equipment is frowned upon, who knew? So here's to better days and light at the end of the tunnel. So if you too are waiting for something make sure you set a goal and wait patiently.

Never Give Up....

Never give up is the old saying we are used to hearing over and over. So our engagement may really happen one day truly...but not until the ring is at a deeper discount. One of the local jewelry stores is closing but the ring of choice is not at the right price yet. For some reason I have mixed emotions about that....he is saying I want to buy you a ring...but you are not worth full price. Or does he truly not have the money to buy the ring he wants to buy. Does the ring have a meaning or is it just a thing to buy? Will there be question associated with it? The saga continues....it's sad I know. BTW...another person who wasn't wanting to be married is now engaged and this time it's his cousin. Maybe that is the approach I should go with. So this is what I should record and listen to over and over..."I am not good enough and I don't want to be with the man I love for the rest of my life because he doesn't want to be with me" But that's not the person I am I want to be loved unconditionally and I want the world to know that someone loves me too. :) So I am not giving up yet anyway!

We're not buying just looking...

So this weekend we have a wedding to go to, a personal friend of George's. This friend of his has known this woman for maybe six months and they are getting married. Good for them I think...but bad for me. I am having a really hard time being happy for them, when all I want is for George to make that commitment to me too. Why is that so hard for him? It's a $5k ring we even have looked at several...but no purchase yet. Just looking doesn't mean we have to buy.

Does he think I will stop having sex with him, or cleaning the house or helping out around the yard. Newsflash: I am not doing those things now because I want a ring. I like a clean house and I like sex (I know some women don't) but I really do! I love the tractor and the accomplishment of a clean mowed yard, in fact I might not even need to write this if I had some grass to mow...LOL.

I wish I would have known 4 years ago that he didn't want to be married. I may not have hung on this long....or would I? I can't leave now, because every part of my being is involved. I'm in love this man. 99.9% of the time we are a very happy couple, we laugh a lot, we never fight, we work well together. Neither one of us thought it would really last this long.

Some things drive me a little crazy: he watches a lot of re-runs, we've seen The Andy Griffith show and The Twlight Zone a thousand times, we have a cooler in our living room (don't ask), we have stuff we don't need or use. Plus I don't think like him, duh I am a woman he is a man which drives him crazy. But at the end of the day I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else, and I know he loves me, especailly since he doesn't know where any of his stuff is anymore (it's been organized, he he).

So should I give an ultimatum "you better marry me or else." That's not who I am, my mom and dad never raised me with the idea that you better clean your room or we won't love you.

Maybe I could have some surgery which would take away those "I want to marry" feelings. I don't want to live in an "active community for seniors" someday with my boyfriend. What do you call one another after a certain amount of time? Lifemate (sounds gay), boyfriend, soulmate, significant other, lover or how his mother puts it: friend.

Hopefully there is a lot of alcohol at this wedding...so I to can be happy for the "happy couple".

Happy 2009 - Good Luck with your "to do" list.

Wow! I can't believe I haven't written anything in a while. We had a low key Christmas which was nice. George loved his present "a handpainted picture of our dogs", his eyes teared a little. I did good! Next Christmas I will need an idea or two on what he would like.

We have been busy, very busy with life and things on our "to do" list. The things that are on our to do list....consist of: removing several dead trees that have fallen, re-plant the citrus, plant the century plants, move the hydranges, remove some trees to make a new flower bed/patio, clean the carpet, tile the bathrooms and kitchens, finish moving and packing the barn, and the list goes on and on...but maybe by October the list will be done one could only hope.

Doesn't it seem that at the beginning of each year; you can have the longest lists of "things to do"...but only half of them are really going to get done. That to me is so frustrating. I want to finish the list so I feel accomplished George could care less or so it seems. But that is a man for you unless that man is my dad then he thrives on lists...my mom can't stand them. It's funny how life turns around, isn't it?

Hope your lists of "to dos" get accomplished!